Watch Your Fingers

Once upon a time, I was going out to lunch with a very charming, good-looking, young gentleman. Prior to driving to the restaurant, I went into the backseat of the car to put on a different pair of shoes...flip flops to be exact. I mean, it is late March after all!
I put my right hand on the door to balance myself so I didn't fall onto the pavement. (That would've been a sight!)
Unfortunately, at that very moment, the same very charming, good-looking, young gentleman rolled down the back window and then rolled it back up catching my middle finger in between the glass and the door frame.
Ouch.
I yelled, "Ouch!" and the very charming, good-looking, young gentleman gasped and said something to the effect of, "Oh my God! Are you okay? I'm so sorry!"
I was perfectly fine...but my eyes watered anyways.
This episode in the parking lot brought me right back to the summer of 1999(?).
My father had rented a house down the Cape for a week and we decided to go mini-golfing. I drove my grandfather, my brother and his girlfriend at the time to the course just down the street. She was awful but that's not what this story is about.
Being in his eighties, it took "The Big O" a good long while to get himself out of the passenger seat. Foolishly, he used the car frame in between the front and the back seat to help himself out. That's when my brother decided to shut his back door...and when I decided to lock the doors...catching grandpa's fingers...yep, you guessed it...in the door.
Have no fear, "The Big O" played, probably, his best game of mini-golf ever, earning himself three holes-in-one (if my memory serves me correctly).
This afternoon, I didn't have a monumental golf game but I did enjoy a chicken tender meal and split a strawberry Awful Awful with a great great guy. I consider that a win.

I Sure Will Party!

I went to Iparty this evening to pick up some Irish-themed items for an event in May while they're in stock for the impending High Holiday. The event in May has something to do with my mother and her becoming another year older. Enough about that.
I grabbed a few items that I loved and then a few that I wasn't 100% in love with. I sauntered over to the cash register and the young lad rang me up and announced my total - $43.21.
$43.21?
That is not what I had in mind. This totally caught me off-guard but I swiped my credit card anyways.
It wasn't until I was in my car driving home that I realized that I definitely shouldn't have purchased these items. I did what any person in their right mind should do - I turned around and drove back to the store.
I parked my car in the same parking spot I had just left and looked at my receipt. "Food, Seasonal & Clearance items are Non-Returnable." Crap.
I tried my luck (of the Irish) anyways.
I walked in and, thankfully, the young boy that rang me up just minutes earlier was still at his register.
Me: "Hi. I was in here, like, five minutes ago. Can I return these?"
Boy: "Oh, sure."
Me: "Great. I found something else somewhere else." I lied.
Boy: "Want me to refund your card or give you cash?"
Me: "Oh, if I could get cash that'd be great...but either one is fine."
Boy: "Okay, here's $25.59."
I dumped the cash into my purse and ran back to my car because I know, having worked in retail for several years, he shouldn't have done that.
This shopping experience completely shocked me. I went into that store expecting to be rejected and getting stuck with these items. I came out with cash and a new love for Iparty.

Remember "That" Girl?

It's not usually a good thing to be known as "that girl".
You don't want to be the sloppy girl that everyone talks about the morning after the party. You don't want to be the girl that wears the band's t-shirt to the concert. And you DEFINITELY don't want to be remembered as "that girl" after a night at Jacques Cabaret.
For those of you not in the know, Jacques Cabaret is a drag show in Boston where bachelorette parties and women's birthday celebrations will live in infamy. In this case, "drag" does not mean car racing.
Recently, I was in attendance at a 7pm showing and, let me tell you, I have never been more terrified and laughed so hard at the same time in all of my days.
First, let me introduce the cast and then I'll tell you why I was so traumatized by this outing.
Mizery - To say that I'm scared of this lady is a severe understatement. She must have been 6'3" and at least 250 lbs. Take that and squeeze it into a sequined catsuit. Meow! She performed the Whitney Houston medley and for that I'll be forever grateful but, even in her Bobby Brown years, Whitney looked much more put together than this chick.
Miss Kris - She not only was the hostess with the most-ess but she took a liking to some of our ladies...and how can you blame her? She added the commentary and the comedy for the evening. Loved her.
Katie - This firecracker was doing handstands for God's sake! She was tall, lean and had crazy X-tina Lady Marmalade hair. She, without a doubt, looks better in spandex than anyone I've ever seen.
And, finally...
Destiny - I'm jealous of her. She was gorgeous! She performed Nikki Minaj and it was like you were at a concert. She really looked like her, especially with that blond & blue hair!
But the woman that had us all talking for the rest of the weekend and the one that I can't get out of my head...not a good thing...was Bride #2.
At the beginning of the show, the brides-to-be were brought up on stage and asked a few questions about their big days, honeymoons, etc. At first, I just thought that she had a few too many drinks and was starting to get a bit annoying. I had no idea of what was to come.
Shame on this girl's friends for allowing her to behave the way she did. Put it this way, I saw way more of this girl than I had planned on/wanted to. She was totally inappropriate and was starting to really creep me out. Not to mention, she probably spent $200 stuffing cash into the half-assed sequined costumes of the ladies.
The fact that you're the creepiest part of the show...and you're not even IN the show. That's a problem.
I had a good time. Don't get me wrong. But I think this is something to have on your bucket list. Once you go once, cross it off your list and move on.

Rules And Regulations

"February 7, 2012
To: All ____________ Residents
From: Management Company
Re: Rules and Regulations
I would like to take this opportunity to remind all ________ Residents that we are NOT to dump excess carpets, mattresses, furniture, and Televisions etc. into the Dumpsters here at ________.
The City of Warwick will not pick them up. You must make your own arrangements for disposal.
Also recently we discovered a washing machine had been installed in a unit here at ________. This is NOT allowed, and anybody who may have a washer within their unit, I would recommend you remove it immediately.
If we find any illegal appliance, or any illegal dumping into our dumpsters, we will assess a $250.00 to $500.00 fine per occurrence. These violations cost us all, and many times the problem stems from a renter and not an owner.
Also if you see someone dumping illegally, please take down the plate number and vehicle make and model. Call Management Company, and we will contact the police.
________ has come a long way in recent months, and we don't want to increase Condo Fees for those who do not follow the rules.
Therefore please remember to follow the rules, and again if we find anyone in violation, they will be fined accordingly.
Thank You for Your attention regarding these matters.
Management Company
Telephone Number"

Where the heck do I live?

"Oh, Hell Yes"

I don't know much but I do know that when your best friend asks you if you wanna go to Monster Jam after work, you say, "Oh, Hell Yes".
I got a text from Kate last Friday inviting me to Monster Jam at the Dunkin' Donuts Center in Providence. She was "workin' it" and was able to get in for free...and, apparently, bring a friend at no charge.
We walked in a few minutes late and I instantly lost my hearing. We bee-lined for the closest vendor and Kate treated me to yellow foam earplugs. Perhaps the best $2 ever spent.
I followed her to the turn style and she showed her fancy dancy all-access pass and the woman waved us through with eyes that said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
We inserted our earplugs and walked past a crying child in the hallway and through the curtains to the most ridiculous place I've been in quite some time...okay, maybe it hasn't been that long. I was at Jacques Cabaret just a few weeks ago. That's another story for another time.
Anyways, the Dunk floor is covered in dirt, beat-up cars being used as ramps and MONSTER TRUCKS! The audience was mainly dads and their sons, who were just finishing up school vacation. Nothing says "Back To School" quite like an emergency audiology appointment on Saturday afternoon.
Everyone was there - Grave Digger, Monster Mutt, Eradicator, Backdraft, Crushstation.
Don't think for one second that the name "Crushstation" was lost on me. This truck was styled like a lobster with the yellow bands around it's claws. Totally awesome!
Anyways, about half way through Kate and I looked at each other and decided we would leave a bit early but it wasn't until we saw a woman in her mid-forties(?) go to the concourse and return wearing a Monster Mutt mesh hat with floppy, furry brown ears that we acted on that decision.
Kate: "Wanna go?"
Me: "Oh, hell yes!"