Quarantine Chronicles: Things I Miss

Things I'm missing (perhaps more than I should) during this Covid-19 pandemic quarantine (in no particular order):

• Browsing library stacks for books to check out
• Smiling at friends and strangers, and having them see my smile, not just feel it or assume it's hiding behind the mask
• (I can't believe I'm saying that as it's not something I enjoyed prior to lockdown.) Going grocery shopping and actually being able to purchase everything that is needed for weekly dinners without experiencing a food shortage
• Experiencing long-awaited pre-wedding memories and attending planning sessions with vendors
• Not having to worry about whether all of our wedding guests can safely attend our wedding on the date we've secured
• Dining at our favorite Rhode Island restaurants, maybe even with people that don't reside within our home
• Getting a manicure & pedicure and a haircut at my favorite salons
• Staying home because I want to, not because it's required
• Celebrating birthdays, impending births, and other special events properly
• Hiring a babysitter to allow for a date night with my main (and only) squeeze
• Having the option to use a public restroom, if needed
• Enjoying an evening at a restaurant, bar, brewery, movie theater, etc
• Bringing the girls to the park for them to release some energy
• Sleeping restfully
• Picking tulips and other fun springtime activities
• Having the freedom to do what I want when I want to do it
• Taking a nap on the couch with Mona before the girls return home on the school bus
• Making school lunches that actually see the inside of an educational institution
• Watching Saturday Night Live and having it actually be live
• ...and so much more...

You may say that many of these seem trivial and are a luxury, and you're right; they are. My life will not end if these things don't resume soon or at all, but my life as I know it might.

All of the above are relatively insignificant. In the grand scheme of things, they don't matter that much. I mean, how much joy can "having the option to use a public restroom" bring a person?

I can do quarantine; turns out I'm not great at it, but I can do it. I've been doing it for over six weeks now, but I don't have to like it. I miss the way I've lived for the past 39 years. I miss having options and opportunities. I miss being spontaneous. I miss being part of a community and all that that entails.

Hopefully the end of quarantine is near, but - more than that - hopefully once this whole mess is behind us, the world is recognizable. I understand that we can't just jump back into it, but I'm not sure how long these restriction rollback phases will take.

I don't know how much more I can take of this. I'm not sure how much you can take of this, do you?

Quarantine Chronicles: The Day Trish Lost Her Mind

The day was Thursday, April 23rd, my late-brother's birthday. The specifics of that day have already started to blur just two days later, but I'll share what I remember...and how I'm hoping to move on from it.

Quarantine home school started off as well as it could be in week five. I was helping with fifth grade math in the living room while first grade handwriting was taking place at the kitchen table. Dividing fractions aren't my thing, but we worked together to finish it up and get it submitted.

I turned my attention to the kitchen table and, after at least 30 minutes of her working on it, no words were written on the page. Zero. Apparently, she had absolutely nothing to share with her teacher about why she missed attending school. I encouraged her to get writing because the six sentences weren't going to write themselves. Yes, I realize I've turned into my mother. Moving on.

Fast forward another half hour or so, I checked back in with her and there were two half-assed sentences written on the page...and one of them was complete fiction. I'm all for creative writing, but this wasn't the time for it. I needed to take a picture of that completed assignment and get it over to the teacher for grading.

After crumpling the piece of paper up, I sent her to her room, for her to reflect on her assignment and, truthfully, to get her out of my face. Not as a huge punishment...just a little time out.

She eventually came back to school (i.e. the kitchen table) and banged out her assignment. No problem. Submitted.

Lunch. The fact that lunch was a stressor for the day is nuts. As you might remember, one member of our household doesn't do "lunch". She'll have healthy snacks, but refuses to consume a sandwich or leftovers, really. She filled her plate with blueberries, granola bar, and some Easter candy. Not ideal, but good enough.

Ms. I-Live-And-Would-Die-For-Nutella, on the other hand, filled her plate with a large solid Easter bunny, three grapes, Oreos and stale fruit snacks that she received on Valentine's Day from a classmate while she pondered aloud, "Maybe I want a bagel for lunch," and "I'll make myself a Nutella sandwich". I said either of those was fine...but did Ms. I-Live-And-Would-Die-For-Nutella ask for either of those things or make them herself? Nope. As she's sitting at the kitchen table with chocolate all over her face, I said that she'd better get some actual lunch in front of her because what she's got wasn't going to cut it. She responded with, "I know. I will."

Next thing I know, her lunch plate is being put into the dishwasher.

Ummm...oh, hell, no. I told her she needs to have something of substance - something healthy. She responds with, "I had grapes!" Three grapes. Three.

I come back with some sassy retort about how terribly dinner will go for her. Spoiler alert - it didn't go well.

I eventually go downstairs to switch over some laundry and relax for a bit now that their school work was completed. I get interrupted with the sounds of bickering wafting down the stairs. I begrudgingly made my way up the stairs to see what the heck was going on even though I already knew. We play this game at least once or twice a week.

Again, they're fighting about "her" stuff being in "my" room. We're very territorial these days. "So-and-so won't let me in to put my things in the game closet." "There's no room in here."

I brought up my great idea to the girls - an idea I was really excited about. "If you don't have room in the game closet for these things, that means you have too many games/toys. We'll get rid of some."

Their reaction didn't match my excitement. I heard a lot of whining and "nos". The volume of my voice began to rise...higher and higher. As I threatened to throw the full contents of the closet away next time they argue, I screamed so loud that I shook and I pulled a muscle in my neck.


What have I become, you ask? Possible valid answer options:
* A total screaming lunatic.
* A 39-year-old woman crying on the couch when asked by her fiancée "How was your day? What's wrong?"
* A creeper listening in to an adolescent Zoom meeting hoping she won't overhear, "So, Ms. Trish lost her freakin' mind today."
* A woman who has been cooped up in this house with these kids for over 40 days and no where she can go to escape. Forty days of this house not being big enough for all of us. Forty days of those under 12 not pulling their weight, not helping with chores, not making things easier for anyone.

Dinner planned for Thursday was ground beef nachos. I browned the beef, shredded two types of cheese, laid out the chips and assembled them the way I wanted to, adding refried bean dollops. This is not how I have done nachos in the past, at least not in the past three years. No more Ms. Nice Lady. I didn't leave a section for the meat-and-bean-haters. Almost all of the chips had some beef or beans on it. Like I said above, it didn't go well for all involved. Ms. I-Live-And-Would-Die-For-Nutella ate approximately four chips that she deemed appropriate for consumption. I didn't care. You want to starve to death? Knock your socks off. I refused to get into it with her. She made her choice; she'll have to live with it.

As I sat comatose on the couch waiting for reinforcements to get home from work, I began to cry. I eventually put myself to bed before reinforcements walked through the door, only to be awoken by a text. I read it, felt guilty, and threw my phone to the carpeted floor.

Damn it, I forgot to call my father. I had left my Mom a voicemail earlier in the day, but things got so crazy I didn't get to call Dad. It's customary for me to wish them a Happy Jimmy Day to acknowledge his birthday.

After a few beats, I got out of bed, wiped the tears from my eyes, walked into the backyard and called him. When I say that my father thought someone had passed away, I'm dead serious. In the time it took him to answer the phone, I was ugly crying. I couldn't get words out and I was practically hyperventilating.

In the past, I have really tried not to call my father to vent or ask for anything. I'm not sure why, but I never want him to think I can't get through life on my own. I want to play the role of the strong woman that can do things on her own, without Daddy's help.

Well, not on Thursday. I cried like a baby. I swore. I told him that I was totally overwhelmed. I told him that the girls were acting this way - driving me crazy - on purpose. I told him about the game closet. I asked him to Zoom punish them by taking away summer pool privileges.

I finally calmed down. Either he talked me off the ledge or I was getting tired from my outburst.

Thursday's reaction was the sum of so many components that had been adding up over the last few months. I burst.

On Friday, I read a book from cover to cover. I had some wine. I showered. I Zoomed with friends. I hung out with Mona, our English Bulldog. It was a rainy day and a good day to recharge.

I needed to get that all out of me. I need to do a better job of picking my battles. I can't make everything a big deal...not during this time. Going forward, I will do my best to not yell. Dirty rooms, candy for lunch, bickering about idiotic things - the quarantine childhood experience of some of that is healthy, right?

Anyway, it's not healthy for me to be that close to blow. I need to find more outlets to release the steam. I need to be able to separate myself from them. I need to let them work things out on their own. I need to let them make their own choices and have them deal with the consequences of those choices.

I feel a lot of pressure to keep the train on the tracks. There's so much added pressure and stress just living through this unprecedented time. We're living through a pandemic, for Christ's sake.

The house has to be clean; dinners have to be planned, prepared and healthy; everyone has to be happy, well-rested and calm. These are expectations that I set myself...and I'm announcing now I'm letting those go.

Our only mission now is survival.

Quarantine Chronicles: The Highlights

While the world is reeling from the Covid-19 pandemic, a pessimist (or even a realist, in this case) could give you a list of what is going wrong in the world.

Examples:

• The economy is in the toilet.
• The world's most vulnerable are being hit the hardest.
• There's not enough toilet paper or hair-dye kits to go around.

But, in this trying time, there are things - silver linings, if you will - that I have discovered that I wanted to share with you. Perhaps they can cast some light onto you and your loved ones.

Things I'm thankful for in this time of isolation and stay-at-home orders: (in no particular order)

•  Sidewalk Chalk - The girls have been playing out on the driveway more frequently than in prior sunny days. It's an escape from the house and it's a creative outlet for the artists in your household.
•  The Internet - Can we please, for just one second, imagine what this would be like if this pandemic occurred during 1992? Not only would I have a terrible perm and a huge gap between my front two teeth, but we'd have to watch TV and play video games all day. Okay, I realize this doesn't sound as bad as I meant it to sound. We'd have to call the house phones of our classmates if we wanted to hear their voices. Zoom meetings (*more to come), Google classroom, and other e-learning applications wouldn't be an option for distance learning. Mom would have to teach us sentence structure, and Dad would have to teach us dividing fractions. What would I do without watching online versions of late night shows or watching "real mom" online content? We'd have to play far more board games and have more conversations with our families. We'd have to clean our rooms just to get some reprieve.
•  GrubHub, DoorDash, Instacart, PeaPod, and other food delivery companies - Talk about an essential business model! Can't (or Shouldn't) get out to buy groceries or dinner? Just have someone shop your list for you and deliver your items to your door! Nothing is better!
•  Zoom* - I realize this is not as good as seeing your friends, family members and colleagues in person, but if this is as good as it gets, I'll definitely take it. I've had some stressful days minimized by seeing friendly faces on their couches, and I hope this phenomenon won't disappear once things return to the new normal. It's one of those things where it's amazing we didn't do this before! Also fun is the Marco Polo app.
•  Oreos and Strawberry Milk - On a weekly basis, we have a dairy delivery that brings us white, coffee, chocolate and/or strawberry milk (along with other yummy treats). I have a new-found love for Double Stuff Oreos dunked in strawberry milk. Yum!
•  Loungewear - So what? I've been rotating three pairs of loungewear pants and t-shirts for the past month and a half. I even pulled my first "business on top, party on bottom" Zoom meeting the other day...and no one was wise to it.
•  Small Businesses - We love small businesses and have been trying our best to give them some extra love during this cuckoo crazy time. We've been purchasing gifts, clothes, food, beer, and tipping larger than normal when we can. I encourage you to shop local when you can.
•  Expanded Facebook Connections - I've noticed that I've opened up my Facebook reach since living in lockdown. It's nice to reconnect with old friends, especially when everyone is searching for connection these days.
•  Kahoots! Trivia - This trivia app has brought us some joy. They have lots of trivia topics to choose from, and you can even customize your own trivia game. It's great for family time.
•  Time to Organize - I've had a lot of time to do some projects around the house. Organize closets, stand up a relatively successful Poshmark store to clear out some of this clutter, wedding plan, clean up the yard, etc.
•  Family Time - Days are long, for sure, but it's great to be able to spend this time with family. Lines are blurring between homeschool and family time and "I need my space" time, but this is an unprecedented situation. We'll, hopefully, never live through a time like this again, but we have made some pretty amazing memories with one another while we're staying at home to help protect our neighbors.

I could probably go on, but I'll stop here.

What have I missed? Is there a hobby that you were recently reintroduced to or that you've tried for the first time? I'd love to know so I can incorporate some more tools into my quarantine toolbox.

I know things are hard, but we'll get through it and we'll all be stronger for it in the end.

Quarantine Chronicles: The Job Search

When I was notified that my job was going to be eliminated in January of this year, I never would have thought that I would be in the situation I'm in right now.

Effective January 15th, 2020, I stopped going to work. Not because I didn't want to or because I had completed all that I wanted to accomplish in the role, but because my services were no longer needed. I know how business works and I am no stranger to the idea of layoffs or corporate restructuring, but I never expected it to happen to me. This was a surprise, for sure. 

To answer your questions: Yes, I miss my colleagues. Yes, I miss having a positive impact on those around me. Yes, I miss typing on a keyboard and having my own cubicle space. Yes, I miss getting silly IMs throughout the day just to say "Hi" or to see if I want to have lunch in the cafeteria. Yes, I miss having adult, professional conversations. Yes, I miss creating something and getting others' feedback, criticism or praise.

Much to my surprise, approximately two months after my departure, I found myself home schooling 5th and 1st grade from the kitchen table during a pandemic.

Some might say that getting laid off in January was a blessing, that I'm exactly where I should be during these crazy times. While I agree that not having to juggle home life, home school, dinner, self care, and work is a blessing, it still makes me really sad and, frankly, uncomfortable that I'm not contributing in the way that I have been for the past 17+ years.

My value is not measured by a job title, but it is hard to see myself in the same light when all I'm doing every day is making sure that reading is being done, math apps are being logged into, and Google classroom assignments are being marked completed.

It's important, obviously, but it's not the same.

Searching for a job these days is hard. There are so many factors that go into it. 

In addition to the candidate pool exploding over the last couple of weeks, I have to do my entire job search on my cell phone due to the fact that my local library is closed until further notice. I don't have a computer or laptop, so it makes it difficult to type up and edit documents, resumes or cover letters. It is difficult to connect with potential employers or network with former colleagues or other connections when we can't meet for a hot chocolate or coffee. I know - first world problems.

It is difficult when your job referral at a company is furloughed. It is difficult when a company has decided that they'll hold off on hiring until this thing blows over. It is difficult to apply for jobs when you don't really know when your home schooling responsibilities will be alleviated.

The unknown is scary. It is difficult to manage everything, including my feelings, during a pandemic and lock down. It doesn't help that the numbers in my bank account continue to dwindle, and I'm trying not to panic about a job on top of not trying to panic about sickness or running out of food. So many opportunities to panic!

It's definitely a lot, but I know I'll get through it and so will you if you're in the same position as I am.