Good Morning, Irene

I'm almost nervous to wake up on Sunday morning. Hurricane Irene is heading up the East Coast as we speak and is expected to pummel New England on Sunday. Although I'm scared about my new car (The Grey Lady) getting a tree trunk impression on it, I have a good feeling about Irene...mainly, because I can't get Irene McGee out of my head.
Irene McGee was a member of the Real World: Seattle cast a few years back...and by "few" I mean "lots". To be completely honest, she was one of my favorites. I don't really know why. I think it was because I, sort of, felt bad for her.
She didn't fit in with Janet & Lindsay because she wasn't a petite, spunky smoker. She didn't fit in with Nathan & David because she wasn't a military institute graduate and her eyes were the same color. She didn't fit in with Rebecca because she wasn't a old-fashioned Victorian romantic who was friends with Sir Mix-a-Lot. She didn't fit in with Stephen because she wasn't an angry black "man".
I liked Irene because she was so matter-of-fact. I feel like if I were to be cast on the Real World, I would be a lot like Irene...which doesn't pan out too well for me because, as we all remember, Irene got slapped and left the show in a very dramatic fashion. Deep down, I feel Irene had a really great soul and was misunderstood in many ways.
Hopefully, Hurricane Irene will just give the East Coast a gentle love tap and not totally knock us out.

Dirty Dawg

As I was driving home from work tonight, I came across a car with a Rhode Island license plate: NKOTB. My gut reaction was, "How the hell did this bi-atch beat me to the DMV?" I got this weird sense of...sadness...jealousy...rage...
That was until I drove up beside the car and took a glance at my newest nemesis. Not only was it a dude BUT he had a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep and was wearing a red muscle shirt and Oakley sunglasses on his head. I can only imagine the interaction at his house that morning...
Him: "Sweetness, my truck's in the shop so can you take me to work?"
Her: "Baby, why don't you just take my car and I'll have Susan pick me up on her way in to the office."
Him: "Are you KIDDING me?"
...or something like that...
Anyways, it made me chuckle.

Subway: Steal My Sandwich?

So, today was the ultimate lazy day on Quaker Lane. I woke up at 10am, only to transfer onto the couch and watch television. I ran some errands and, obviously, bee-lined for the couch immediately afterwards. It wasn't until 4:30pm that I realized I hadn't eaten so I had some almonds and cantaloupe and went back to watching the Oprah: Season 25 Behind the Scenes (or whatever it's called) marathon. Don't ask.
My laziness was starting to annoy me so I got my "Me Gusta Guster" t-shirt and grey sweatpants on, threw on my kicks and went to the gym. (Sidenote: I had completed my warm up on the eliptical, my whole body workout and 15 minutes on the treadmill before a dryer sheet fell out of my pant leg.)
On the way home, I stopped at Subway. I have NO food in the house and Subway's better than Taco Bell, right? There were two ladies in front of me with a list, which consisted of at least 4 sandwiches and 5 cookies, so it took a while for them to be done with their order. They had to check it twice like Santa and confirm with the poor girl behind the counter that the points from this purchase went onto their frequent buyer card. This gave the other poor soul behind the counter time to make my 6-inch Subway Club sandwich (toasted with American cheese, lite mayo, lettuce & tomato on Italiam Herbs & Cheese bread).
As the two women collected their purchase, the older of the two STOLE MY SANDWICH. I said, "Ma'am, that's my sandwich...Excuse me, ma'am". I stand firm that she was seconds from making a run out the door with my tasty meal.
It took the cashier saying, "Ma'am..." in a non-Subway-training-video tone for her to turn around and return my bag, apologizing the whole way. "Oh my goodness, I thought this bag was ours too!"
At what age do we stop caring what society thinks of us and just start looting? Looks like 54 is it!

Zip It!

I've just discovered one more reason why living alone is no bueno. Not only do you almost always eat leftovers because no reasonable person cooks for just one, but just now I was faced with the idea that I might forever be wearing a polka dotted dress.
Hear me out...
I'm going to a friend's wedding in a week and a half and I, up until an hour ago, didn't know what I was going to wear. I got home from work tonight and I walked straight into my bedroom closet. I pulled the string to my overhead light and, like a sign from God, the light shone right onto my shiny black dress with white polka dots and red trim. It was meant to be!
I took it off the foam-covered hanger from the last time it was dry cleaned and put it on to make sure it still fit. I zipped it up and - voila! - it fits like a glove! In fact, it's potentially too big. Only problem was I couldn't unzip it. The zipper down the back is very tough to get up and down even when it's not on a body. I danced around for a few minutes and tried my best to stretch my arm as far as it would go to release me from this dress of horrors.
I considered knocking on my neighbor's door for them to lend a helping hand.
Luckily, I didn't need to embarass myself any further. I was able to wiggle out of it by pulling it over my head.
Needless to say, I may need some help pre-ceremony and post-reception. Any takers?

"I Want..."

One of my favorite people on Earth is two years old. His name is Douglas and he's got blonde hair, blue eyes and a devilish grin that proves that he's one step ahead of us all.

On Friday, I went to dinner at Friendly's with Dougie and his mom (my great friend, Cindy). Although we spent most of our time moving items around the table so that Dougie didn't splatter paint the wall with ketchup or wash the table with Mom's water, it was a lot of fun and it's always great catching up with her.
He's got so much energy! He was in the high chair, on Cindy's lap, pulling her hair, back in the chair, slingshooting his straw so chocolate milk went all over the place, attempting to walk across the table to get the salt shaker...y'know, the usual dinner ritual.We took our ice cream to go because when Dougie's ready to go, you go. Patience is a lesson that hasn't yet been taught at day care. We went back to his house and we ate ice cream together and played with some toys. He opened the birthday gift I got for him and was...well, let's face it...just a delight.
Behind that chocolate fudge-stained face is one of the sweetest little boys walking this planet...swiftly, no doubt...most likely with someone chasing after him shouting "Douglas, come back here!"

So Sleepy...

I spent an hour of my Friday morning at the Nissan dealership in West Warwick for the Grey Lady's first oil change and car wash. Chris performed a multi-point inspection and filled all her fluids. She feels good and looks even better.
Anyways, while I was watching Maroon 5 perform on the Today Show, a young lady came in, made a coffee and joined me in the less-than-cozy chairs. About 20 minutes later, a gentleman carrying a newspaper sat next to me, "Dad jeans" and all. At the next commercial break, I heard this heavy breathing so I nonchalantly glanced in his direction and, yep!, he was asleep in the chair.
Granted, it was 830 in the morning but, sir, you're in a waiting room. I would love to know where else this man has fallen asleep in his life.No doubt, he's the guy that has fallen asleep in the movies...or in recliner at his buddy's party...or on a float in his pool...or under the table at his company's holiday party. What can I say? Some people just can't hang!

I Truly Do Love Children

I'm a bad person.
I had a session scheduled with my trainer this evening after work. I meet with Nicole 3 times a month at Work Out World and, so far, things have been going well. At my last measuring (about 3 weeks ago), I measured 5 lbs lighter and 5 inches smaller. Being able to whip me into shape...she obviously knows what she's doing!
Anyways, all afternoon, I was saying how I would prefer jumping off a bridge than meet with her tonight. This week just kicked my behind and I didn't think I had it in me...a workout with a petite blonde hot tamale like Nicole, that is.
Luckily (?), I got a text late afternoon that read, "In the ER with my little one. He swallowed my father's heart medicine. They need to monitor his heart rate and pump his stomach." Awful, right? As a real auntie of one and a honorary auntie of several youngsters, I know how serious this is.
The reason why I'm a bad person is that when I read this, my first gut feeling as "Oh, thank God." Clearly, not because I want anything bad to happen to my new friend or her family...or to anyone for that matter. I just read the above text as "YOU'RE FREE!"
For those of you who are appalled by my recent thoughts, have no fear. I'm meeting with her tomorrow morning and, as we all know, Karma's a serious bitch.