She Doesn't Listen

Once upon a time, a woman walked into a bank. After helping another customer, a bank teller called her up to the counter and the following conversation took place. Enjoy.

Woman to Teller 1: "Hello. [Passing her ID and completed withdrawal slip to Teller 1] Can I get a $20, a $10, and a roll of quarters ?"
Teller 1 to Woman: "Of course."

Teller 2 to Teller 1: "Oh no. We ran out of those forms."
Teller 1 to Teller 2: "I know. I told you that earlier but you never listen to me."

Teller 1 to Woman: "She never listens to me. [Passing two $20 bills to the woman.]"
Woman to Teller 1: "Can I have a roll of quarters? You don't listen to me!"

Luckily, the woman was not thrown out of the bank or arrested for acting in a threatening manner. She went home and successfully did a load of laundry.

The end.

"Let's Snuggle"

On May 19th, a 38-year-old man from Boston sent me a message through a dating website. We messaged back and forth for a bit before I gave him my cell phone number. We had one brief text conversation before the radio silence began. From start to finish, our "relationship" lasted 12 hours...and that's being generous.

On May 26th, the very same 38-year-old man from Boston sent me an identical first message through the same dating website.

What in the world?

This guy, clearly, uses that one *lame* message to reel in ladies...and it doesn't matter who he uses it on. Hell, he used it on me twice within just a few days.

AND what's funny/interesting/sad is that our text conversation was completely left open-ended. It was, more or less, left talking about potential dinner plans. I hadn't done anything to suggest that I didn't want to meet this individual. It was a very innocent, civil, friendly conversation.

It's clear to see that he's not interested in having dinner with me. My guess is that he doesn't want to sit through dinner at all; he just wants dessert (if you catch my drift). He's probably sitting in his Boston apartment cutting and pasting the same message into hundreds of profiles to see who bites.

I just hope that the young ladies who do respond to this guy...and the many guys like him...know going in that there is likely no long-term relationship to come as a result. Ladies, you're better than that. You deserve more.

Sorry, Adam. No, I will not snuggle with you.

* Please note that I responded to his second message with the following message:
"Dude. You already have my cell phone number. You clearly use "Let's Snuggle" as your go-to pick-up line."
He has not yet responded.

First Date Talk

Look, I'm not going to say that I'm a great dater. I mean, I've done enough of it over the years that I think I've learned a thing or two about dating that makes me better than others...but, then again, I'm still single so I guess I'm not that good.
If nothing else, I know what topics ought to be off limits for a first date or a first meeting. Apparently, this information is not common knowledge among the "gentlemen" I've been meeting. That is, until now.
Men of the world, please be advised that speaking on these topics upon first meeting may not result in a second date...

• Past home foreclosures. - While I'm not searching for a sugar daddy, it would be nice for my potential husband to not have crazier debt than me...way crazier debt than me.
• Past car repossessions. - Please see above.
• Family members being locked up in a Florida prison for murder. - This is not exactly the safety and security that I was searching for in my future in-laws.
• Criticizing the choices of your date's family. - This will not make me like you. Only I can tease my family and friends. To you, a complete stranger, they're off limits.
• Nothing too heavy! - Keep the conversation light. No girl wants to hear all of your problems, especially upon first meeting. She is not your therapist; she is your date.
• YOU, YOU, YOU. - I hate to break it to you but it's not all about you. Maybe you could ask your date about her day, her job, her background...? Just a thought.

A first date is, more or less, a sales pitch; you're selling yourself. Any salesman will tell you to not lead with the product's inefficiencies or glitches. Talk up your strengths, will ya? Otherwise, I'm not buying it.

Religious Experience

I've always said that going to Iggy's Doughboys & Chowder House on Oakland Beach was similar to a religious experience. I just never thought that I'd have the most awkward religious conversation of my life in the line out front...and I spent 13 years in Catholic schools.
It was a gorgeous spring day in Rhode Island today so, obviously, I had a craving for clam strips...along with the rest of the Ocean State residents.
I got in line and, while there, the woman in front of me turned away from her friend and introduced herself to me. Her name was Tracy. The next words out of her mouth completely stunned me.
"Do you read the Bible?"
It was like my father and Sister Joseph Michael SSJ (RIP) had sent this woman into my life to fix me.
I didn't know what to say. My response was delayed but once I could form words, I stated the fact that I spent 13 years in Catholic school...uniform and all.
Then, my good friend Tracy, preached to me for what seemed like 20 minutes but was probably only three. Are you aware that you can know you'll get into heaven if you just read the Bible? Apparently, everything else is just tradition.
Once she wrapped up her sermon, she reached into her purse and pulled out a recording of what I have to assume is the local church's Easter Sunday Mass.
...
What?
...
Why do you have a Mass recording in your purse, lady? Do you have more CDs in your purse ready for distribution?
...
Why doesn't your friend look shocked that you're having this one-sided conversation right now? This is clearly a situation that she's been in several times before.
...
I can appreciate someone who has strong religious beliefs but is it necessary to back someone into a corner and force your opinions upon them? I, of course, was not cornered. I could've just stepped out of line if I felt too uncomfortable with the conversation. My dedication to Iggy's outweighed my discomfort with the kooky woman in line.
I may be struck by lightning for saying this but Iggy is my god now.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

I'm glad to know they don't just happen to me. Wardrobe malfunctions, that is.
I was on the bus home from work the other day and I saw this woman with a staple holding her hem up. I had to laugh to myself...and take a photo with my phone...and write a blog about it...because there have been several times that I've gotten to the office and realized that my sandal was broken or that there was an unmissable stain on my shirt or that I had a hole in my sweater.
There have been too many occasions where I've gone around the office asking every woman if they had a safety pin...or a small binder clip...to remedy a gap in a blouse. I have definitely utilized a Swingline stapler to put a temporary Band-Aid on my own hem, preventing me from tripping on my pant leg and falling to the floor.
I have a pair of heels where one heel is missing the rubber piece over the nail holding it all together so, when I walk down a tile hallway, it sounds like this - "click - thud - click - thud - click - thud".
Nylon pulls - I've had them.
Necklace breaks and beads fall to the floor - Yep, that's happened.
Dress zipper gets stuck and you need to call for reinforcement to extract yourself from the garment - I plead the fifth.
Not that I wish these mishaps on anyone but I'm relieved to know that all women - high-paid executives and those "nobodies" like me - go through these same things. It's a good equalizer - poorly-made clothing, shoes and accessories.

For The Love Of Pete

Even Firefox doesn't want me to find a husband. This message popped up when I tried to check my Okcupid messages.

"Hello there, Mozilla Firefox user. Pardon this interruption of your OkCupid experience.

Mozilla’s new CEO, Brendan Eich, is an opponent of equal rights for gay couples. We would therefore prefer that our users not use Mozilla software to access OkCupid.

Politics is normally not the business of a website, and we all know there’s a lot more wrong with the world than misguided CEOs. So you might wonder why we’re asserting ourselves today. This is why: we’ve devoted the last ten years to bringing people—all people—together. If individuals like Mr. Eich had their way, then roughly 8% of the relationships we’ve worked so hard to bring about would be illegal. Equality for gay relationships is personally important to many of us here at OkCupid. But it’s professionally important to the entire company. OkCupid is for creating love. Those who seek to deny love and instead enforce misery, shame, and frustration are our enemies, and we wish them nothing but failure.

If you want to keep using Firefox, the link at the bottom will take you through to the site.

However, we urge you to consider different software for accessing OkCupid:

Google Chrome Internet Exploder Opera

Thank you,
OkCupid"

Valid point. Peace out, Firefox.

Unlikely Places

Over the years, I have become quite forgetful. Prime example: Sometimes, I'll get up and walk into a room and, once there, I'll have no recollection of why I left the comfort of my cozy couch. It's only when I walk back to said couch that I remember why I got up in the first place.
That happens to most people I know. We've discussed it at length. So, I don't feel so bad about that.
I am concerned, however, that I'll use something or wear something and then I can't find it afterwards. But it's more than that...I can't even remember when I used it or wore it last to try to refresh my memory on it's whereabouts.
In recent weeks, I misplaced my two Alex & Ani bangle bracelets. I've been trying to remember when I wore them last. What event did I go to? Did I wear them to work?

I've checked all of my purses and work bags, in piles of mail and "junk" that I need to put away, and in the most random places in my condo with no luck.
This morning, I woke up and began straightening up my abode...my first Spring Cleaning step. I collected all of the earrings and random jewels that I've worn and put down in different places over the course of the week. Earrings on the kitchen table, on the coffee table, on the bathroom vanity, on the desk in the office. I brought them to my bedroom and opened up my jewelry box.
Holy crap! There the bracelets are! Where they should be? That's so unlike me.
How bad is it that my jewelry box isn't even in the top ten places I looked for these MIA bangles? Sometimes I surprise myself.