Religious Experience

I've always said that going to Iggy's Doughboys & Chowder House on Oakland Beach was similar to a religious experience. I just never thought that I'd have the most awkward religious conversation of my life in the line out front...and I spent 13 years in Catholic schools.
It was a gorgeous spring day in Rhode Island today so, obviously, I had a craving for clam strips...along with the rest of the Ocean State residents.
I got in line and, while there, the woman in front of me turned away from her friend and introduced herself to me. Her name was Tracy. The next words out of her mouth completely stunned me.
"Do you read the Bible?"
It was like my father and Sister Joseph Michael SSJ (RIP) had sent this woman into my life to fix me.
I didn't know what to say. My response was delayed but once I could form words, I stated the fact that I spent 13 years in Catholic school...uniform and all.
Then, my good friend Tracy, preached to me for what seemed like 20 minutes but was probably only three. Are you aware that you can know you'll get into heaven if you just read the Bible? Apparently, everything else is just tradition.
Once she wrapped up her sermon, she reached into her purse and pulled out a recording of what I have to assume is the local church's Easter Sunday Mass.
...
What?
...
Why do you have a Mass recording in your purse, lady? Do you have more CDs in your purse ready for distribution?
...
Why doesn't your friend look shocked that you're having this one-sided conversation right now? This is clearly a situation that she's been in several times before.
...
I can appreciate someone who has strong religious beliefs but is it necessary to back someone into a corner and force your opinions upon them? I, of course, was not cornered. I could've just stepped out of line if I felt too uncomfortable with the conversation. My dedication to Iggy's outweighed my discomfort with the kooky woman in line.
I may be struck by lightning for saying this but Iggy is my god now.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

I'm glad to know they don't just happen to me. Wardrobe malfunctions, that is.
I was on the bus home from work the other day and I saw this woman with a staple holding her hem up. I had to laugh to myself...and take a photo with my phone...and write a blog about it...because there have been several times that I've gotten to the office and realized that my sandal was broken or that there was an unmissable stain on my shirt or that I had a hole in my sweater.
There have been too many occasions where I've gone around the office asking every woman if they had a safety pin...or a small binder clip...to remedy a gap in a blouse. I have definitely utilized a Swingline stapler to put a temporary Band-Aid on my own hem, preventing me from tripping on my pant leg and falling to the floor.
I have a pair of heels where one heel is missing the rubber piece over the nail holding it all together so, when I walk down a tile hallway, it sounds like this - "click - thud - click - thud - click - thud".
Nylon pulls - I've had them.
Necklace breaks and beads fall to the floor - Yep, that's happened.
Dress zipper gets stuck and you need to call for reinforcement to extract yourself from the garment - I plead the fifth.
Not that I wish these mishaps on anyone but I'm relieved to know that all women - high-paid executives and those "nobodies" like me - go through these same things. It's a good equalizer - poorly-made clothing, shoes and accessories.

For The Love Of Pete

Even Firefox doesn't want me to find a husband. This message popped up when I tried to check my Okcupid messages.

"Hello there, Mozilla Firefox user. Pardon this interruption of your OkCupid experience.

Mozilla’s new CEO, Brendan Eich, is an opponent of equal rights for gay couples. We would therefore prefer that our users not use Mozilla software to access OkCupid.

Politics is normally not the business of a website, and we all know there’s a lot more wrong with the world than misguided CEOs. So you might wonder why we’re asserting ourselves today. This is why: we’ve devoted the last ten years to bringing people—all people—together. If individuals like Mr. Eich had their way, then roughly 8% of the relationships we’ve worked so hard to bring about would be illegal. Equality for gay relationships is personally important to many of us here at OkCupid. But it’s professionally important to the entire company. OkCupid is for creating love. Those who seek to deny love and instead enforce misery, shame, and frustration are our enemies, and we wish them nothing but failure.

If you want to keep using Firefox, the link at the bottom will take you through to the site.

However, we urge you to consider different software for accessing OkCupid:

Google Chrome Internet Exploder Opera

Thank you,
OkCupid"

Valid point. Peace out, Firefox.

Unlikely Places

Over the years, I have become quite forgetful. Prime example: Sometimes, I'll get up and walk into a room and, once there, I'll have no recollection of why I left the comfort of my cozy couch. It's only when I walk back to said couch that I remember why I got up in the first place.
That happens to most people I know. We've discussed it at length. So, I don't feel so bad about that.
I am concerned, however, that I'll use something or wear something and then I can't find it afterwards. But it's more than that...I can't even remember when I used it or wore it last to try to refresh my memory on it's whereabouts.
In recent weeks, I misplaced my two Alex & Ani bangle bracelets. I've been trying to remember when I wore them last. What event did I go to? Did I wear them to work?

I've checked all of my purses and work bags, in piles of mail and "junk" that I need to put away, and in the most random places in my condo with no luck.
This morning, I woke up and began straightening up my abode...my first Spring Cleaning step. I collected all of the earrings and random jewels that I've worn and put down in different places over the course of the week. Earrings on the kitchen table, on the coffee table, on the bathroom vanity, on the desk in the office. I brought them to my bedroom and opened up my jewelry box.
Holy crap! There the bracelets are! Where they should be? That's so unlike me.
How bad is it that my jewelry box isn't even in the top ten places I looked for these MIA bangles? Sometimes I surprise myself.

Listen To Me, Kids

As if you didn't already know that bullying others was wrong and completely inappropriate, here's yet another story to reinforce that point.
Back in elementary school, I wouldn't say I was a "mean girl" but I do remember trying to glue a classmate to his seat...by using a glue stick. I also wouldn't say that I was a "smart girl". I think it's obvious that my evil plot didn't quite work as I had planned. My goal was to do more than simply stain his pants.
A bit later in my elementary school career (maybe one day; maybe three years), the chair escapee sat behind me during art class. I remember drawing a winter scene and I had just put the finishing touches on my picture. Next thing I knew, the chair escapee "tossed his cookies" all over his desk and his picture; my desk and my picture; and, yes, you guessed it, all over the back of my uniform shirt. Totally gross, I know, but, at least, now we were even...
...or I thought we were even until I recently turned a page in my hometown newspaper with my naked left hand and saw his engagement announcement. Really, universe?
Karma...it'll get ya one way or another!

I'm Not Qualified

Jobs that my college English degree does not qualify me for:

Performing brain surgery

Going into space with NASA

Successfully procuring peanut M&Ms from the work vending machine

One afternoon last week, my friend and I stopped by the first floor vending machine at work for an afternoon pick-me-up. The peanut M&Ms were calling my name as I walked down the hallway towards the break room - the promised land, so to speak.

I dropped $1.00 in change into the machine and I laid my eyes upon the peanut M&Ms, mouth watering, pupils dilating, and tummy growling. I very carefully and purposefully pushed E - 7.

Next thing I knew, a freakin' Snickers bar fell into the bin. I, without thinking, said, loudly, "Son of a nutcracker!"

I turned to my friend, who was laughing at my misfortune, with my mouth open wide and quickly turned back to the devil machine. I looked at the numbers and, while I thought the numbers were on the left of the item, they were actually on the right of the item. It was not a machine malfunction. It was, simply, user error.

With a bit more practice, I have faith that I can learn how to operate this machine and others like it. As my parents always told me, I can do anything I set my mind to.

Public Access

I'd like to recognize the public access television show hosts from across the country that make me giggle every time I flip past their programs. Some of these people have bold opinions and they are, by no means, shy about expressing them. They take on topics like religion and politics, which, if you ask me, are big social no nos.
They place a kitchen chair in front of a curtain or a bookshelf and simply talk to the camera, most of the time looking down at their notes to refresh their memories. Every once in a while (probably during Sweeps), they have on special guests to either debate a point or to support it.
I wonder if afterwards the host makes the guest a sandwich and offers some iced tea. "Thanks for coming over, Earl! How about some lunch?"

One must really be passionate about their subject to transform their basement into a set, confident enough to put themselves on air with brief notes instead of a script, and brave enough to have a personal website or telephone number advertised for comments or questions.
So...here's to you, Mr. Public Access. Thank you for making Southern New England think and getting us fired up by your ridiculous statements. You're braver than I.